Archive for November, 2008
Nov 12 Newsletter
Wednesday, November 26th, 2008If you missed our Nov 12 newsletter, you can read the archived version by clicking here
From a Distance
Tuesday, November 25th, 2008 
It’s been some time since I read or saw The Joy Luck Club, but I remember a scene with a floating white feather. The feather symbolized a bond between a daughter and her deceased mother, between the material world and the spirit world.
Last Christmas, my sweetheart and his daughter worked for days assembling a magnificent puzzle of African wildlife. They got to the very end, only to discover one piece missing. We scoured the house and eventually gave up, resigned to a gaping hole in the middle of our African portrait.
Soon the hole in the puzzle was forgotten, dwarfed by the hole in our hearts when my mother-in-law passed away. Several months later, as we were sorting through her condo 40 miles from our house, there in the middle of her living floor sat the missing puzzle piece. Like the floating white feather, I believe it was a sign from Carolyn letting us know that she was watching over us.
Carolyn and I shared a birthday and a love for her son. I was dreading my first birthday without her. I had a quiet celebration then went into the garage to sort through some of her old books. Among them was a book by Anne Morrow Lindbergh. I believe that Gift from the Sea was a gift from Carolyn to me on our mutual birthday. I had read the book in my 30s, but now that I’m approaching 60, it touched me on a much deeper level.
In Gift from the Sea, Lindbergh explores an island and invokes the symbolism of sea shells, silence, and the ebb and flow of the tides as metaphors for the phases in a woman’s life. Against the canvass of a solitary beach, she paints the portrait of a woman with a multifaceted life rich with husband, children and creative work.
When LIndberg wrote about the changes that happen in a middle-age marriage, I was barely in elementary school. It was a world before email, before cell phones and before social networks. The world has changed dramatically since then, but 50-plus years later, Lindbergh’s midlife experiences still ring true for me.
Have you ever had the experience of revisiting a book that you read earlier in life and discovering it anew? What was the book and how did it impact you the second time around?
What I Learned from Robert Redford
Wednesday, November 19th, 2008 
For the record, I know that Robert Redford is an actor, a director and an environmentalist. On most days, I know the difference between movies and real life. I also know the value of a catchy headline.
In the past, I’ve blogged about films that seem relevant to baby boomers and members of the sandwich generation. You can search this blog to read my musings about The Savages, Resurrecting the Champ or The Diving Bell and the Butterfly. In future posts, I’ll be discussing other films that focus on midlife themes.
Classics like The Miracle Worker, Hotel Rwanda and To Kill a Mockingbird inspire us and make us see the world with new eyes. Films with military or sports themes like Patton, Rudy or Remember the Titans present profiles in courage in the face of adversity, long odds or racial discrimination. We watch these films knowing that there’s probably some lesson to be learned. But what about serendipity? Sometimes, when we least expect it, a film we’re watching purely for escapist entertainment contains a golden nugget that can trigger a personal epiphany. Has that ever happened to you? What was the film and what was the lesson?
There’s a scene in Out of Africa where Karen Blixen (Meryl Streep) is attempting to make Denys Fitch-Hatton (Robert Redford) feel guilty about needing some space. I may get a word or two wrong, but I’ll never forget the essence of his response, "I don’t want to wake up some day and find that I’m at the end of someone else’s life."
That line smacked me straight in my solar plexus. It continues to drive decisions about my own midlife transformation. Many life planners and retirement coaches are fond of asking the end of the road question. Some have you lying on your deathbed. Others have you imagine that today is the last day of your life. For many people at the end of the line, the regrets are not about the things they wished they had not done. They are not about the embarrassing spot that shows up on YouTube. The deepest regrets are often about the things we did not do, about the road not taken.
What have you left undone? What are you going to do about it?
Oct 30 Newsletter
Thursday, November 13th, 2008If you missed our Oct 30 newsletter, you can read the archived version by clicking here.
My Caregiver Cred
Tuesday, November 11th, 2008 
That’s not a typo in my headline. I do not mean "creed." I mean "cred" as in street cred, as in "What the heck do you know about it?"
Yes, it’s true that I’m a certified life coach with a master’s degree in clinical psychology. I completed a traineeship at The Wellness Community, where I co-facilitated support groups for people with cancer and other groups for their caregivers. I designed and delivered a workshop for the children and grandchildren of people with cancer. I also worked in the legal department of a major acute care hospital, but I believe that my most valuable caregiver credentials come from the time I’ve spent in the trenches.
I am not a nurse, a licensed psychotherapist or a professional caregiver, but for the past twenty years, I have been involved in caregiving from one end of the continuum to the other. I have cared for loved ones in and out of the hospital as they coped with cancer, hypertension, heart conditions, diabetes, dementia, back surgery, shingles, a hip fracture, a respiratory condition and a stroke. If I had a dollar for every hour I spent in an emergency room or surgical waiting area, I could retire.
"I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members."
Many of you may be familiar with that quote by Groucho Marx. Being a family caregiver is a little like that. It’s a "Members Only" club that many of us never wanted to join. It’s like sushi. People either get it or they don’t. If they haven’t walked a mile in our moccasins, they will never "get it." If you go grocery shopping or sit in a doctor’s office waiting room, you will see other baby boomers who "get it."
Recently, I was having coffee with a friend, a professional woman in her 50s. Her 80-something mother has had her ups and downs. Thankfully, for the moment, she is stable. Still, my friend was lamenting the fact that she can’t seem to get anything done despite the fact that "nothing’s really wrong."
I "get it." How about you?
In future posts, we’ll say more about the insidious nature of caregiver burnout and offer suggestions to help lighten your load.
Brave New World
Thursday, November 6th, 2008 
I’m a prophet! Who knew? Well, not exactly, but I’m on the right track.
Watching everyone walking around with a wireless cell phone clipped to their ears and cords connecting them to their mp3 players, I joked that it was only a matter of time before evolution caught up. I predicted that in the future, people would be born with a USB port attached to their heads.
As it turns out, the human body is already adapting to the impact of technology. There’s a new book with the title iBrain: Surviving the Technological Alternation of the Modern Mind. The author is Dr. Gary Small, one of the world’s leading neuroscientists and experts on brain function and behavior. Dr. Small’s book explores the ways in which technology has altered the way that young minds develop, function and interpret information. Some of the changes are good. Others, like increased attention deficit disorder, addiction to the Internet and social isolation, are not so good.
For baby boomers and their parents, it can be challenging to keep up with all the changing technology. When I was younger, I used to make fun of those hokey messages that people passed around at the time of their 50th high school reunion. Now that I’ve passed my 40th reunion, I’m not laughing as much. I remember my hands turning purple after making copies on the mimeograph machine. I remember standing there watching the sheets crank out of the Telex machine. I even remember dialing numbers on my telephone before they added area codes and turning the dial on my black and white television.
What other "old-fashioned" devices do you remember?
Young@Heart
Saturday, November 1st, 2008 
A charter bus crashed killing several people and injuring more. The driver was impaired by alcohol or drugs. This is not the first time that we’ve heard this kind of bulletin. This particular news impacted me more than most because I heard that the bus was on the way to a casino. Images of grandparents flashed into my mind because so many senior centers charter buses for their casino field trips.
When I heard the news bulletin, I had just finished watching the film Young@Heart with my 80-something mother. The people in the film were not involved in the crash. I don’t know the ages of the deceased, but having just seen the film made me wonder whether many of the bus passengers were elderly.
Young@Heart is the story of a group of spunky seniors who meet, practice and tour the country singing rock songs to astounded audiences. These James Brown wannabes teeter onto the stage and then belt out I Feel Good. They rap out the verses of Schizophrenia. Back from chemotherapy and dragging their oxygen tanks, these survivors are still Stayin’ Alive. The grim reaper does make his appearance, but I won’t spoil the story. Just be sure to have some tissue ready when they perform their concert at the prison.
Retirement can be isolating. Our golden years may not glitter as we lose our jobs, our spouses and our friends. Our bodies betray us in unkind ways. Much is written about making meaning and finding our passion and purpose in life. We can’t all be Bishop Tutu or Jimmy Carter. Still, we need a reason to get out of bed in the morning. Our cause does not need to be grandiose. Joining a club, pursuing a hobby or making new friends may not necessarily add years to our life, but it can add life to the years we have left.
Young@Heart is a fun, uplifting inspiring film for all generations. It would make a good choice for a family gathering or something that grandparents could watch with their grandchildren. You might even pull out the karaoke machine and belt out a few songs of your own. In the words of Bob Dylan, "May you stay forever young."
So many of the films that deal with our demographic are so darn depressing. Besides The Bucket List and Cocoon, can you suggest some fun films for the 50-plus crowd?