Archive for March, 2008
March Newsletter
Monday, March 31st, 2008If you missed our March newsletter, you can read the archived version by clicking here.
How to Avoid Your Own Crisis
Friday, March 28th, 2008Don’t make the same mistakes we made.
As we agonized over decisions about my mother-in-law’s medical care, we weighed our choices against a backdrop of distance and her need for medical treatment and physical therapy. We did this while juggling our own health issues and work demands. Our challenge was magnified by the speed at which our crisis unfurled. Prior to her stroke, Carolyn lived independently, needing only minor assistance with housekeeping and shopping. In 34 days, she spiraled downward into sudden dementia, infections, incapacitation then death.
My mantra has been, "Get help before you think you need it." This advice applies to caregiver burnout. It also applies to the universe of decisions large and small that comprise the challenge and opportunity of caring for an aging parent. To help you avoid your own crisis, we offer some resources to help you get started.
Planning, Organization and Communication
Talk with your parents. Learn about the various legal instruments and advance directives such as a Living Will or Durable Power of Attorney for Health Care Decisions that your parents can execute to express their wishes about their health care. Find out as much as you can about the terms and conditions of your parents’ medical insurance coverage.
Get organized. Assemble all legal, financial and medical information. One of the best resources we’ve found is The Senior Organizer by Debby Bitticks, Lynn Benson and Dorothy Breininger at www.biobinders.com
A Great Place to Start
Visit AARP online to find an impressive library of information and resources. Follow the links to family caregiving then click on the link Navigating the World of Caregiving to learn about the following:
- Planning Ahead
- Providing Care at Home
- Preparing Your Home
- Housing Options
- Legal & Insurance
- End of Life
AARP also published Caring for Your Parents: The Complete AARP Guide by Hugh Delehanty and Elinor Ginzler. We included this book and The Senior Organizer in our Amazon Associates store.
In Home Care
The Family Caregiver Alliance National Center for Caregiving is a health services organization offering information, education and support for families caring for loved ones in their homes. Visit them at www.caregiver.org
Finding a Long-Term Care Facility
The Eldercare Locator is a nationwide public service of the U.S. Administration on Aging. On their site, you’ll find the National Clearinghouse for Long-Term Care Information. For programs in your own community, see www.eldercare.gov.
Care Managers
To coordinate care, you may wish to engage the services of a geriatric care manager. Learn more at www.caremanager.org.
Professional Advocates
Ombudsmen are advocates for quality care and the rights of residents in long-term care facilities. They provide education and resolve complaints. To locate your state or regional ombudsman, visit www.ltcombudsman.org
This is not meant to be an endorsement of any organization, but a place to start. We have listed additional organizations on the Caregiving Resources page of the Midlife Menu site.
Do your homework and make the choices that are right for you. You are not alone. Get the support you need and remember to put self-care on your "to do list."
How to Find Your Dream Job
Monday, March 24th, 2008
WANTED: Veterans, older workers and people with disabilities
Not everyone wants to retire at 55 or even 65. Money is not the only reason many people choose to continue working. Social connections, the need for achievement and a sense of purpose motivate many retirees to return to the workforce.
The good news is that in response to a shortage of qualified employees, the government and many businesses are turning to older workers to fill their open positions. To help make that connection, we are pleased to showcase the services of HirePotential, Inc., the national leader in integrating the Untapped Workforce.
HirePotential, Inc. (HPI) is a national consulting firm and certified woman-owned business that was formed by workforce experts to help people with disabilities, mature workers, veterans and other previously untapped resources build rewarding careers and lives by placing them in top jobs.
HPI has developed an innovative set of services that bridges the gap between the millions of job openings, the 27 million individuals who make up the Untapped Workforce, and the employment development agencies and nonprofit organizations that seek to find jobs for these talented workers.
HirePotential, Inc. Assists Job Seekers With:
- Job search
- Submit a resume
- Refer a friend
Headquarted in Denver, HirePotential, Inc. has the ability to serve you locally or nationally. Contact them directly to learn more about maximizing your potential. We’ll share more about HPI and their consulting services for employers in a future post.
HPI’s President Sheridan Walker is an expert in the disability field and a certified therapeutic recreation specialist with more than 25 years of industry experience. Each month, Ms. Walker will answer your questions in the Empowered Employment column of our Midlife Menu newsletter.
We invite you to share your employment victories or challenges by commenting on this blog.
I Confess that I Lied
Monday, March 17th, 2008
Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I lied not once, but on an ongoing basis. But don’t be looking for any remorse from me.
I make every attempt to fact check my articles, to test the links and call the numbers that I list in my resource sections. But if you attempt to check my background, you’ll find one major blooper in my reporting.
We’re not really married. Nevertheless, after more than 15 years, we’ve been through for better for worse, for richer for poorer, and we really nailed in sickness and in health.
When you’re circa 60 and unmarried, calling someone your "boyfriend" seems ridiculous. There are a host of other monikers, including partner, companion, lover, special friend and significant other. Besides being awkward, they don’t begin to cover the whole range of extended family relationships.
We recently suffered the death of Paul’s mother. I say "we," because Carolyn was an integral part of my life for more than 15 years. To call her "my boyfriend’s mother" would not begin to describe our relationship–the happy memories of birthdays and other holidays, the gut-wrenching emergency room vigils and the special bond we shared.
As we battled our way through the health care maze, dealing with ER doctors, charge nurses, social workers, hospice staff and mortuary men, I always identified myself as "her daughter-in-law." It gave me access and influence I would never have achieved as "her son’s girlfriend." I’d do it again in a heartbeat.
Have you ever stretched the truth to care for a loved one?
It’s Not Like on Television
Wednesday, March 12th, 2008 
We’ve seen the episode hundreds of times. The doctor bursts through the door looking distraught. He greets the family weeping in the wings and goes into his spiel. "We did everything we could, but we were not able to save her. I’m sorry for your loss."
It wasn’t like that at all. The hospice doctor told us that he heard her death rattle. Carolyn had only hours to live. We sat at her bedside and were greeted by a perky nurse who bounced into the room asking, "So, how is she doing today?’
"She’s dying," I said.
"Oh dear," said Miss Sunshine who had not bothered to read the chart upon her return from a six-day leave. That was the last that we saw of her.
Carolyn loved music. In younger days, she sang in nightclubs and for the USO. Nothing thrilled her more than going to concerts by Steve and Eydie, Sammy, Liza, and of course, the Chairman of the Board. We brought stuffed animals to her in the nursing facility. One of her favorites was a Valentine’s Day hamster dressed in a sparkling red dress, white feather boa and pearls. This Peggy Lee wannabe held a microphone and sang, "Fever."
Paul and I sat at his mother’s bedside until the end. No one looked into the camera and said, "Time of death, 4:45 p.m."
I staggered out to the nurses’ station to find someone to make the final pronouncement. Like a scene from "The Twilight Zone," the station was abandoned. Maybe this wasn’t really happening. I searched room by room before I located anyone official who could declare that Carolyn had died.
The mortician pulled the curtains and shut a few doors before we began our two-person procession down the hall. I don’t know if he was preserving our dignity or trying not to upset the other residents.
Out in the hall, people were talking and laughing and playing their radios. No one seemed to notice as we followed heartbroken behind the gurney carrying her body wrapped in a sheet and zipped into a black bag. We used the back exit and stepped into the dark alley where this stranger loaded Paul’s mom into an unmarked white van.
There was no soft music, no dim lights. Another Peggy Lee song was running through my head.
"Is that all there is?"
February Newsletter
Tuesday, March 11th, 2008If you missed our February newsletter, you can read the archived version by clicking here.
Officer Heartless
Thursday, March 6th, 2008
So much for mercy.
This had already been the worst month of our lives. We raced to the emergency room. We navigated the rough waters of the skilled nursing facility. We accepted the inevitable and involved the angels from hospice. We even met with the mortuary men to make the final arrangements.
Paul’s mother was dying. It would be any day now.
After a 10-hour bedside vigil, we staggered out to the car. It was past 10 p.m. The street was almost deserted as Paul made a U-turn. He didn’t see the sign. The police officer saw him.
I know the dangers of distracted driving. I’ve been to traffic school. I’ve seen the films about car crashes caused by drivers who are eating, yakking on cell phones, applying makeup, making out, yelling at their kids. I believe in obeying the rules of the road.
The police officer who pulled us over could not have been more than 25. He had a choice. He could have given Paul a warning. If a law-abiding 60-plus man leaving the bedside of his dying mother makes an unintentional driving mistake, how much damage would it do to give him a warning, just this once? It’s not like he’s going to become a habitual offended.
"You folks look a little stressed out."
That’s what this baby-faced officer said as we collapsed in grief. We were keeping it together until he pulled us over. We didn’t need another blow.
What is the purpose of a traffic citation? Is it meant to be instructive or punitive?
Isn’t losing your mother punishment enough?