What I Learned from Robert Redford
By Michele | November 19, 2008
For the record, I know that Robert Redford is an actor, a director and an environmentalist. On most days, I know the difference between movies and real life. I also know the value of a catchy headline.
In the past, I’ve blogged about films that seem relevant to baby boomers and members of the sandwich generation. You can search this blog to read my musings about The Savages, Resurrecting the Champ or The Diving Bell and the Butterfly. In future posts, I’ll be discussing other films that focus on midlife themes.
Classics like The Miracle Worker, Hotel Rwanda and To Kill a Mockingbird inspire us and make us see the world with new eyes. Films with military or sports themes like Patton, Rudy or Remember the Titans present profiles in courage in the face of adversity, long odds or racial discrimination. We watch these films knowing that there’s probably some lesson to be learned. But what about serendipity? Sometimes, when we least expect it, a film we’re watching purely for escapist entertainment contains a golden nugget that can trigger a personal epiphany. Has that ever happened to you? What was the film and what was the lesson?
There’s a scene in Out of Africa where Karen Blixen (Meryl Streep) is attempting to make Denys Fitch-Hatton (Robert Redford) feel guilty about needing some space. I may get a word or two wrong, but I’ll never forget the essence of his response, "I don’t want to wake up some day and find that I’m at the end of someone else’s life."
That line smacked me straight in my solar plexus. It continues to drive decisions about my own midlife transformation. Many life planners and retirement coaches are fond of asking the end of the road question. Some have you lying on your deathbed. Others have you imagine that today is the last day of your life. For many people at the end of the line, the regrets are not about the things they wished they had not done. They are not about the embarrassing spot that shows up on YouTube. The deepest regrets are often about the things we did not do, about the road not taken.
What have you left undone? What are you going to do about it?
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Oct 30 Newsletter
By Michele | November 13, 2008
If you missed our Oct 30 newsletter, you can read the archived version by clicking here.
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My Caregiver Cred
By Michele | November 11, 2008
That’s not a typo in my headline. I do not mean "creed." I mean "cred" as in street cred, as in "What the heck do you know about it?"
Yes, it’s true that I’m a certified life coach with a master’s degree in clinical psychology. I completed a traineeship at The Wellness Community, where I co-facilitated support groups for people with cancer and other groups for their caregivers. I designed and delivered a workshop for the children and grandchildren of people with cancer. I also worked in the legal department of a major acute care hospital, but I believe that my most valuable caregiver credentials come from the time I’ve spent in the trenches.
I am not a nurse, a licensed psychotherapist or a professional caregiver, but for the past twenty years, I have been involved in caregiving from one end of the continuum to the other. I have cared for loved ones in and out of the hospital as they coped with cancer, hypertension, heart conditions, diabetes, dementia, back surgery, shingles, a hip fracture, a respiratory condition and a stroke. If I had a dollar for every hour I spent in an emergency room or surgical waiting area, I could retire.
"I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members."
Many of you may be familiar with that quote by Groucho Marx. Being a family caregiver is a little like that. It’s a "Members Only" club that many of us never wanted to join. It’s like sushi. People either get it or they don’t. If they haven’t walked a mile in our moccasins, they will never "get it." If you go grocery shopping or sit in a doctor’s office waiting room, you will see other baby boomers who "get it."
Recently, I was having coffee with a friend, a professional woman in her 50s. Her 80-something mother has had her ups and downs. Thankfully, for the moment, she is stable. Still, my friend was lamenting the fact that she can’t seem to get anything done despite the fact that "nothing’s really wrong."
I "get it." How about you?
In future posts, we’ll say more about the insidious nature of caregiver burnout and offer suggestions to help lighten your load.
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Brave New World
By Michele | November 6, 2008
I’m a prophet! Who knew? Well, not exactly, but I’m on the right track.
Watching everyone walking around with a wireless cell phone clipped to their ears and cords connecting them to their mp3 players, I joked that it was only a matter of time before evolution caught up. I predicted that in the future, people would be born with a USB port attached to their heads.
As it turns out, the human body is already adapting to the impact of technology. There’s a new book with the title iBrain: Surviving the Technological Alternation of the Modern Mind. The author is Dr. Gary Small, one of the world’s leading neuroscientists and experts on brain function and behavior. Dr. Small’s book explores the ways in which technology has altered the way that young minds develop, function and interpret information. Some of the changes are good. Others, like increased attention deficit disorder, addiction to the Internet and social isolation, are not so good.
For baby boomers and their parents, it can be challenging to keep up with all the changing technology. When I was younger, I used to make fun of those hokey messages that people passed around at the time of their 50th high school reunion. Now that I’ve passed my 40th reunion, I’m not laughing as much. I remember my hands turning purple after making copies on the mimeograph machine. I remember standing there watching the sheets crank out of the Telex machine. I even remember dialing numbers on my telephone before they added area codes and turning the dial on my black and white television.
What other "old-fashioned" devices do you remember?
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Young@Heart
By Michele | November 1, 2008
A charter bus crashed killing several people and injuring more. The driver was impaired by alcohol or drugs. This is not the first time that we’ve heard this kind of bulletin. This particular news impacted me more than most because I heard that the bus was on the way to a casino. Images of grandparents flashed into my mind because so many senior centers charter buses for their casino field trips.
When I heard the news bulletin, I had just finished watching the film Young@Heart with my 80-something mother. The people in the film were not involved in the crash. I don’t know the ages of the deceased, but having just seen the film made me wonder whether many of the bus passengers were elderly.
Young@Heart is the story of a group of spunky seniors who meet, practice and tour the country singing rock songs to astounded audiences. These James Brown wannabes teeter onto the stage and then belt out I Feel Good. They rap out the verses of Schizophrenia. Back from chemotherapy and dragging their oxygen tanks, these survivors are still Stayin’ Alive. The grim reaper does make his appearance, but I won’t spoil the story. Just be sure to have some tissue ready when they perform their concert at the prison.
Retirement can be isolating. Our golden years may not glitter as we lose our jobs, our spouses and our friends. Our bodies betray us in unkind ways. Much is written about making meaning and finding our passion and purpose in life. We can’t all be Bishop Tutu or Jimmy Carter. Still, we need a reason to get out of bed in the morning. Our cause does not need to be grandiose. Joining a club, pursuing a hobby or making new friends may not necessarily add years to our life, but it can add life to the years we have left.
Young@Heart is a fun, uplifting inspiring film for all generations. It would make a good choice for a family gathering or something that grandparents could watch with their grandchildren. You might even pull out the karaoke machine and belt out a few songs of your own. In the words of Bob Dylan, "May you stay forever young."
So many of the films that deal with our demographic are so darn depressing. Besides The Bucket List and Cocoon, can you suggest some fun films for the 50-plus crowd?
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Oct 16 Newsletter
By Michele | October 29, 2008
If you missed our Oct 16 newsletter, you can read the archived version by clicking here.
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Hospital Horrors
By Michele | October 28, 2008
When you’re in the hospital, it’s almost impossible to get any sleep. Even with a private room, someone is always coming in to hang a new bag of meds, to check your vital signs or to clean the restroom. Sometimes they even wake you up to ask if you want a sleeping pill.
Thanks to some excellent investigative reporting, we can all sleep a little better. We can be a little less fearful that the angel of mercy who’s waking us up has a less than angelic intent. In a joint effort with the nonprofit investigative news organization ProPublica, the Los Angeles Times published the chilling results of an investigation into nursing regulation in California. In their article, Criminal Past is No Bar to Nursing, Charles Ornstein and Tracy Weber exposed an alarming pattern of dozens of nurses who remained licensed to practice in Califonia despite convictions that included sexual offenses and even attempted murder.
The investigation revealed that since 2002, the nursing board had failed to act in more than 115 cases where the nurses had three or more convictions. In 24 cases, they had at least five convictions. In some cases, the board had failed to act when the nurses had been convicted of sexual offenses or Medicare fraud.
In an update published Oct. 11, the team reported that California regulators have announced emergency measures to investigate the criminal backgrounds of all registered nurses in the state. According to the article, "Effective immediately, the state nursing board will ask all nurses renewing their licenses whether they have been convicted of any crimes in recent years."
Ornstein and Weber reported that 40% of the active nurses in California were licensed prior to 1990, the year in which the fingerprinting requirement was established. The Board of Registered Nursing is now developing emergency regulations to obtain fingerprints from all nurses licensed before 1990. Applicants who are seeking to renew their nursing licenses will now be asked to identify whether they have been convicted of a crime, a question that is asked of people when they initially apply for a license.
My interest in background checks is not purely academic. During a hospital stay in my younger days, I was rudely awakened by a young man who entered my hospital room wearing scrubs and carrying a clipboard. His failure to turn on the light prior to his exam should have been a clue. I’ll leave the rest to your imagination, except to say that the guy was not a physician. He was not a nurse. He was part of the housekeeping staff. Although I was still groggy, I slugged him and reported his behavior. He was disciplined and I was relieved that my hospital bill did not include a charge for the unauthorized exam. Background checks of all personnel might have prevented this.
This post is not meant as an attack on the vast majority of dedicated nurses who work long hours under stressful conditions performing sometimes distasteful tasks. They truly are angels of mercy and I am grateful for their care.
The members of the media take a lot of heat for their sometimes frivolous pursuits. I want to take a moment to commend the courageous and tenacious efforts of investigative journalists like Ornstein and Weber and others at the Los Angeles Times. They work tirelessly and give selflessly in pursuit of truth and justice. They make the world a safer place for us all.
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Deadly Details
By Michele | October 9, 2008
Imagine this. You’re a young woman in your thirties going about your daily life. You’re working for yourself, seeing friends, going for coffee. Then the phone rings.
It’s your grandmother’s nursing home calling to tell you that your grandmother died suddenly during dinner. The news is shocking and heartbreaking enough. Then they drop the other shoe. They don’t know what to do with her body.
You know that your grandmother made final arrangements, but nobody knows what those arrangements are. Did she want to be buried or cremated? Did she pay in advance? Is there someone you should call to pick up her body and take it to the mortuary? The nursing home has none of this documentation in her file.
This is totally unexpected. Although your grandmother was elderly, she had not been in ill health. You need to call your mother and tell her about her mother’s passing and ask her what to do with your beloved grandmother’s body. Your mom is on a cruise and you are unable to reach her by phone. What do you do?
This is not a hypothetical case. It happened last month to someone I know. Don’t let it happen to you. Take the time to organize the practical details for yourself and your loved ones. Write down the location of your last will and testament as well as any funeral, cemetery and eulogy information. Communicate with members of your family, especially when you are traveling or incommunicado.
In other blog posts, I’ve mentioned The Senior Organizer by Debby S. Bitticks, Lynn Benson and Dorothy K. Breininger. This workbook allows you to document personal, medical, legal and financial information about yourself and your loved ones. You can find The Senior Organizer in our Amazon Associates store.
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Sept 25 Newsletter
By Michele | October 9, 2008
If you missed our Sept 25 newsletter, you can read the archived version by clicking here.
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Freeway Fiasco
By Michele | October 2, 2008
It’s been almost 35 years since my father died and I still can’t look at pomegranate without getting misty. One of my treasured memories of my dad was him sitting in his bathrobe methodically peeling away the pomegranate seeds and putting them in a small green bowl.
Earlier this year, my honey lost his mother. Sorting through her clothing was a bittersweet experience. We packed the car with her glittery sweaters, her nightgowns and her leather jacket and set out on our 40-mile ride home.
Five minutes into our commute, we had a flat tire on the 405 freeway. Assuming he was gifted at gauging the speed of oncoming cars, my dearly beloved was about to fling open his car door and step out into traffic. All I could imagine was those breaking news bulletins–the ones where the driver careens into the stranded travelers stuggling to change a tire.
Fortunately, I’m great in a crisis. When necessary, I can also channel my Inner Drama Queen. Summoning my most ferocious voice, I yelled, "Do NOT make me call your daughter and tell her that I’m sitting here with her dead father and car full of her dead grandmother’s clothes." So, maybe it wasn’t my most enlightened utterance. It was effective.
Once traffic eased up a bit, we were both able to get over to the shoulder of the freeway. This was still cold comfort as 18-wheelers whizzed by our ears. One person texting or looking down to change a CD was all that it would have taken to turn us into a highway statistic.
We were fortunate that we had roadside assistance, but we still had to toss all the clothes from the trunk into the passenger side of our car in order to get to the tire. We then had to make room for the flat tire which was larger than the spare. I was grateful that we made it home safely, and I sincerely hope this never happens to you.
Do not overload the trunk and backseat of your car. Make sure you have some kind of roadside assistance and keep your cell phone charged. Keep your wits about you, and if you’re so inclined, ask your guardian angel along for the ride.
Topics: Caregiving | No Comments »
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